Who You Are Depends on Who You’re With

Relational Intelligence and the Illusion of a Fixed Self

One of the quiet myths we carry is that we are a fixed self who simply shows up the same way everywhere.

In reality, who we are emerges in relationship.

You may feel confident, expressive, and grounded with one person —

and guarded, hesitant, or overly accommodating with another.

You may speak freely in one room

and carefully edit yourself in another.

This isn’t inconsistency.

It’s relational context.

When we talk about relational intelligence, the first place to start is with ourselves.

Every time we enter a relationship — professional or personal — we bring an entire relational history with us:

• our understanding of safety

• our relationship to power

• our expectations of connection, conflict, and repair

• our lived experience of being seen, ignored, trusted, or dismissed

And this matters more than we often realise.

Self-awareness in relational intelligence means recognising that:

• my behaviour changes depending on the dynamic

• my nervous system responds differently to different people

• what feels safe, risky, or possible is shaped between us, not just inside me

Naming the Field

Early in my career, when I was working as a counsellor, I was often matched with Afghan clients because we shared a language — Farsi.

On paper, it made sense.

But I was very aware of something that wasn’t written anywhere in the referral notes.

Many Afghan people carry lived experiences of seeking asylum in Iran.

Experiences of racism, marginalisation, and being treated as less than.

And here I was — an Iranian woman, in a professional role, sitting across from them as the helper.

I knew that even if I didn’t intend it, that history was in the room.

So at the beginning of sessions — especially with new clients — I would name it.

Gently. Directly.

I would say something like:

“I’m aware that many Afghan people have experienced racism in Iran, and I want to check how it feels for you to be working with me. I also want you to know there are options to work with another counsellor through an interpreter if that feels safer.”

What I noticed was that something shifted.

Not because the history disappeared —

but because it no longer had to sit in silence.

Naming the dynamic didn’t erase the power imbalance.

But it softened it.

It returned a sense of choice.

And often, that was enough for trust to begin.

Power Is Always Present — Even When We Don’t Name It

Especially in professional settings, power is often treated as something abstract or structural.

But power is also felt.

Your role.

Your authority.

Your gender.

Your ethnicity.

Your age.

Your cultural background.

Where you sit in the social hierarchy relative to the person in front of you.

All of these shape the emotional field of an interaction — often before a single word is spoken.

This is particularly important for leaders.

I once had a leader say to me, with genuine frustration:

“I like to think I’m a nice person. A safe person. Why don’t staff come to me earlier? Why do they only approach me when they’re already burnt out?”

This isn’t about niceness.

It’s a relational dynamic.

When there is a power imbalance — real or perceived — people may protect themselves by:

• withholding information

• downplaying distress

• avoiding difficult conversations altogether

Not because they don’t trust you as a person —

but because transparency feels like it will cost them something.

I saw this clearly when a Director complained that a staff member kept submitting incorrect timesheets. Every month, the same issue arose, and it was becoming frustrating.

What was missing wasn’t competence.

It was relational accessibility.

The staff member was a receptionist.

The Director was the head of the organisation.

Picking up the phone to say, “I’m having trouble understanding the timesheet system again” felt risky — not because of personality, but because of hierarchy.

When the structure was adjusted so staff had someone more accessible to approach, the issue resolved.

Self-aware leadership asks:

• What does my role evoke in others?

• What might it cost someone to be honest with me?

• What barriers do people need to cross to speak freely in my presence?

Sometimes the answer is structural change.

Other times, it’s as simple — and as powerful — as naming the imbalance.

Even something like saying,

“This is difficult for me too,”

can shift the field.

What Shapes the Relational Field Between Us?

The emotional field between two people doesn’t appear out of nowhere.

It’s shaped by layers such as:

• Relational history

How we learned to attach, speak up, comply, resist, or withdraw

• Our understanding of relationships

Are they places of safety, obligation, threat, or performance?

• Our relationship to power

Do we associate power with care, control, punishment, unpredictability, or protection?

• Our experience of safety

What does safety feel like in the body — and how quickly does it disappear?

All of this lives beneath the surface of communication.

And unless we become aware of it, we tend to repeat it.

Why Self-Awareness Is the First Step — Not the Last

Self-awareness isn’t about self-blame or over-analysis.

It’s about accuracy.

It allows us to move from:

“Why are they like this?”

to

“What might be happening between us?”

In relational intelligence, self-awareness means:

• recognising your own nervous system patterns

• understanding how your identity and position shape dynamics

• noticing when silence, politeness, or compliance may be masking fear

• taking responsibility for the field you help create — not just your intent

Without this, even the best leadership tools stay superficial.

With it, something shifts:

People feel safer.

Conversations become more honest.

And relationships gain room to grow.

Your Relational Journey Map— and an Invitation

As a thank you for reading — and as a way to support this work — I’ve created a self-assessment with reflective questions to help you uncover early blueprints and see how they continue to shape your present — the way you communicate, build trust, and set boundaries. 

Because when you can see your map clearly, you can begin to choose your patterns, not repeat them.

If you’d like access to this self-assessment, you can join my newsletter below.

I’ll send it to you as a gift — along with occasional reflections on relational intelligence, leadership, power, and presence.